i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
