had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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