I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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