Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
