On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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