my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
