It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he fucked my hip out of place.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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