Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
