At least make sure they are 18
Why
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
