I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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