You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
