i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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