my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
