I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
