Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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