Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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