Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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