Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
