so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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