I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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