Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
