I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
