Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
