Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Houston, we have a squirter
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
