we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
