you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
