I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
