Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
