Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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