So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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