Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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