We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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