Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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