He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of course I have a pirate flag
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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