i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
