Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize