I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
