the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
