so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did I show you my penis last night?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? đđ
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Good news! Bloodâs flowing!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
You told him he âcould park his dick in your garageâ.
Well he didnât. It shouldnât be this hard to get a penis.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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