watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
