I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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