Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize