Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
