Plan B is the new Plan A
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
