Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
