No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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