At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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