dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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