Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
