first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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