i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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