I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
