He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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