Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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