New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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