So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
