you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
