When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
