This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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