i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
